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Margie Eileen Jones

Lucifer Damien Cross

Mirage Sonje

Vyperbites Welcomes All Who Cross this Threshold

From the Desk of the Manticore Mermouse

Getting Lucky and Other Novels

I am placing what I have edited of the original worldwide favorite Inuyasha fanfiction Getting Lucky here free for fans on my personal webpage.  Vyperbites is still around for certain fanfics, not just published works on Amazon.  

If you wish to share my personal webpage and promote my works to friends, family, and so forth that is fine, just please do not steal my works of both published fiction or fanfiction.   I work very hard to put my heart and soul into the things I create.  I always cite my work, give credit where credit is due, and my fanfictions are free to the public for their enjoyment.  

Fanfiction has been used as an inspiration for original works since language and art came into being.  Do not judge people, do not assume, and do not copy even part of anyone's creations word for word or use exact copies claiming them as yours without giving the originators credit by citing this is work with them receiving their full benefits from what they originally created. 

The originators of Inuyasha's Manga's, Animangas, Animations, and illustrations are theirs. The full credit for originally creating the amazing Animation and books so many love goes to Rumiko Takahashi.  I thank all of the creators of so many wonderful stories, artistic creations, and other wonders in this world that make our lives on Earth so beautiful helping us forget our own troubles to enjoy life again.

I have not finished certain stories yet because I am in the middle of a major move from Nevada to Georgia.  I have also been dealing with surgeries and other medical issues, so I need time to heal me, move, unpack, get needed things set up at my new home in Grovetown, GA and find peace hopefully somewhere in this insane world.

I am working on this page and will improve it in the next few days.  Happy upcoming Friday the 13th whenever that occurs again every year. Friday the 13th is my favorite National Holiday that happens several times yearly if we are ever so incredibly lucky to live another day of this chaos we call life.  Jason Vorhees is a nature lover and likes comfortable silences with his best buddy Michael Myers.  Right now they are chillin, killing, and watching the hockey game at Mike's house.

Money is a Thing

Well, apparently money is really a thing and I have had none for a long while.  So, I had to drop my website for a time, but it is back now along with me, myself, and Satan, so we are all good again...I think.  

With 2020 real hell on Earth just ending only for the new season of "in hell still part two, 2021" rearing its nasty head, I pray life will chill the fuck out for everyone.  So far I am unimpressed with the magical miracles that are supposed to make things better thus far, but things could be really, really bad beyond the normal everyday horrors.  Trying not to have high hopes or just randomly telling magical mythical fairies they are not real can be good sometimes too when you already have been to construction nightmare hell once living and having to get my regular medical misdiagnosis of death and doom in Las Vegas on Earth.

I think I richly deserve to win both lotteries to be helpful to me, and everyone, and me, and my son, and me, but enough about everyone and all of you.  We are trying not to be selfish and sinful at this moment.  It might trigger actual feelings no one wants, ever asked for, or reasonably cares about.

For some very wrong reason, I still feel the need to tell myself to go to hell some days for like, you know, the usual medical crap such as these biochemical pharmaceuticals I need to be somewhat normal and other blathering wanker bloody git nobbiness I must suffer for my health.  My little sister lived in Vegas for years too so just having a younger sister who lives the Diva Drama Queen lifestyle without the Diva Drama Queen money probably explains everything wrong with my life.  I have an actual genetic blood-related family I often feel the need to speak with, so I should learn my lesson and stop talking to anyone at some point.  It may save my last remaining brain cell from leaving my cranium to start a cover tribute rock band from the 70s, 80s, 90s, etc. 

Anyhow, I will be updating this page and yes I am still working on that 13th novel of The Demon Heart Series although it is damn near done, so sorry about the long wait.  It will be worth it, I swear it.  I am dealing with a lot right now with my move as a Devil to Georgia which is pretty normal for a Devil to want to go to the deep south.   That is why I drink unsweetened tea because I am from hell where no one ever gets up ever.  We just stay on the ground thrashing screaming about our demons we need to exercise so that we can lose weight by doing absolutely nothing useful with ourselves. 

In all truth, Johnny lost his damn bet with his vanity and ego for agreeing to my wager over a gold-painted violin.  It wasn't a total fib because it was a violin made with gold paint and wood.  It did not cost me, Satan or whatever, a fortune to talk Johnny into losing his soul over a violin from some thrift store that looked totally golden at the time with my great artistic skills and he had played his fiddle (not that anyone wants to know what that dude fiddled around within his own bedroom beyond his violin) so damned much it was going to die eventually, sort of like he did.  That will teach Johnny not to fiddle with people and devils for sure.  So ya, I bet Johnny this really cheap fiddle/violin made of like wood and pretty gold paint he very much wanted to trade his soul for since he was too broke to buy himself a new violin, not the other things he wrongly fiddled with, without realizing the very stupid thing he just did or had been doing.  

So, because I am a true hellion by birth, l know bringing even my hell upon anyone was a terrible idea.  I apologize profusely for telling God to Bring It On at the end of 2019.  It was a very bad idea to tempt the entire Universe like this to ever listen to me even if I am no longer sorry about it because people have done much worse things than I ever have in all of existence.  I mean, anyone else in the cosmos also could have told the world-destroyer and maker Almighty Most Powerful Being Ever to "Bring It On" and I guess we need to be grateful we are still alive for now maybe if this living life thing is really necessary.  

Evolution and the devolution of mortals sort of thing of repeats and several records skipping of the past on the latest vinyl continually for centuries, millenniums, or eons up to the eventually true end of days.  I'm sure our current chaos end of days has nothing to do with me telling the Universe and Almighty Maker of all thingies to Bring It On.  Our 2020 nightmare and future nightmares of 2021 continuing the curse of Earth's top trillion worst moments in all of time probably has to do with Ash/Bruce Campbell's Evil Dead Army of Darkness Necronomicon forgetfulness of important life-saving spells dialects and verbiage. 

I haven't forgotten anyone I swear it.  That is true if any truth is to be told the truth in this future which is now, not yesterday which is in the distant past so everyone needs to get over that by now. 

Even if I forget myself most days on purpose for survival as my own worst enemy, I am constantly achieving victory over myself too.  Reasonably flat floors, doors, furniture, appliances, parked cars, shopping carts in stores, and walls that randomly move on their own totally try to kill me because of my great life skills of total destruction of my body and brain parts. I seriously wanted to stub my toe on that chair today because pain makes me feel alive instead of dead inside which had become a full-time Goth lifestyle of mine I don't wish to completely give up.  Life is just more chaotic than normal for my final year of the rat in 2020 which was supposed to go much better than it has and it was meant to be my lucky year but changed its mind for some wrong reason.  

I am 100% mentally disabled, so there is that issue I must contend with daily.  Life, family, friends, and medical people are trying to kick my ass for nothing I ever did wrong just because I am right, sometimes, maybe.

I don't want to fuck cancer that apparently I don't have.  I was wrongly told I had fucking cancer of all the stupid ass things for medical professionals with Master's degrees to accuse me of having.  The cancer cells that they said I had that has nothing to do with Zodiac signs or moon signs, but actual fucked up deadly cancer disease evilness.   This misdiagnosis was from a real-life medical professional, but that was a Mother of all Lies.  I'm seriously waiting for the Father of Fibbers to kill or love me to DEATH at this point because nonstop misdiagnosis constant hell and other shit that must end still must happen for some god-forsaken reason.

Anyway, I am not desperate enough to want to even date cancer let alone fuck it.  Let's just treat the symptoms of cancer so maybe it won't come back to try to fuck anyone again to death and perchance work on ways to actually heal people from other diseases they really do have rather than letting people stupidly believe we are hams that can be cured of anything that always comes back to haunt us later. 

Do not be a dead virus vaccine that our immune systems have to fight with unnecessarily against, please.  Our brains cannot handle more stupidity than we have now. 

By the way for those who do not know, the true definition of a freaking vaccine, vaccines are dead viruses that are reintroduced into the human biosystem chemically for the physical body to use its natural immunity to stave off such diseases to prevent future infections of all life from such highly contagious deadly nasty horrors.  

It is not a good idea to purposely give anyone a dead highly contagious bacterial virus or even a dead standard highly contagious virus that is killing people called evolved pneumonia then expect good results from such things when the immune systems of the patients are already compromised.  Vaccines have their places and purposes.  I am not against healing people or doing what is right for millions who are suffering when healthcare professionals are doing what is right.  However, those with compromised immune systems like autoimmune issues or other terrible things, these poor people cannot even handle flu vaccines that make them suffer immeasurably, possibly die faster, and get sicker than treating the symptoms of these diseases in a less invasive way instead of forcing something that could kill more people than help them.

 It is a fact that pneumonia kills all ages of people every damn year and it has increased its deadly reign of terror because of wealthy travelers of all races spreading this shit like wildfire which is why when people are not proactive or following the rules, people die, the economy suffers, and sadly governments among other organizations who lie through their teeth about their real agendas make billions off of people's pain, deaths, and suffering.  

With pharmaceutical chemical treatment companies creating this rushed vaccine for Corvid-19, what is actually occurring is those receiving this supposed cure have immune systems that are on overdrive that may fail with stage two of Corvid-19 hell with more people dying than being saved. Within any new vaccine that these companies and our governments are promoting, the vaccine itself is reintroducing this deadly contagious viral infection that can seriously compromise even a strong immune system by forcing the disease back into the body to attempt forcing our immune systems to adapt to a deadly disease that is not going to magically disappear with rushing things.  We have to do things right by working together as a human race, realizing these symptoms need plenty of time to be treated properly.  If we wish to gain freedom from the masks, the social distancing, and to get the economy back on track, we have to work slowly and steadily to allow our bodies to adapt to overcome diseases such as this so we do not end up destroying more lives instead of saving them.  Rushing everything will merely kill people faster with something that anyone who has ever had this kind of evolved disease. 

Medical professionals, I have spoken with personally outside of the media know full well that Corvid-19 is an advanced evolved version of pneumonia. These people are being shut down, told to shut up, and if they fail to follow the government plans they may lose their jobs, paychecks, and their families may be threatened.  Everyone who has ever damn near died from pneumonia or has known people who have died from it know when pneumonia itself is not just contagious as a bacterial disease, but as both a virus and bacterial monster from hell, that it will condemn our immune systems to fail us destroying people of all ages across the globe instead of healing our world by doing the right thing in how they treat the symptoms.  People in high ranking offices are making profits off of the deaths and pain of billions of people because they want votes, they want credit for things they did not do, and we are all the guinea pigs for big pharmacuitical profits for world leaders who don't want to let go of their stranglehold of power that they never truly had to begin with.  It has always been we the people by the people, no matter the nation, no matter the leaders.  Without the backing of the people of this world, leaders are few and eventually they become nothing more than a nasty blot in history. 

Medical scientists need to be working on both an antibacterial medication and antiviral medication that will not destroy the healthy natural bacterias we need for survival but will hopefully work with the probiotics to make the antibacterial antiviral medication less invasive to the biochemical system of the human body.  For this virus, we need a perfect combination of treatments of the symptoms which medical staffs do have limited amounts of such things in stock with many combination options that will work for the varied chemical and natural treatments of their patients. We need equal amounts of natural and chemical healing agents that work to improve immune health for long term and even short term healing.  No one has to be hateful and if anyone disagrees with me, that is perfectly fine too.  I have studied human behavior all my life to understand the abuse I suffered, to understand people in general, to understand the multitudes of medications I have taken throughout 48 years before I ingest them in current times, I want to understand other people's concerns about their problems, I work hard to actively listen rather than just hear people, and I research many subjects to maybe find my own peace in a world where peace is rarely had. 

The one thing I believe we can all hopefully agree with is that it is vital to extend the lives of many people we love or know who do not already have fatal conditions that have been deteriorating their immune systems and internal biology.  It is tragic to lose those we love most.  I have lost two of my younger cousins within a less than three month period with their bodies being found deceased with no cause of death reported yet to me to know how or why they died.  My Aunt Janice and Uncle Willard who had been so kind to me also died last year of health complications three months apart during the beginning of 2020 to late summer with none of these deaths so far linked to Corvid-19, but possible prescription medication complications or other health issues. 

Sadly, we cannot prevent everyone we love from their eventual death due to known diseases, health issues, or other factors that may cause natural or unnatural deaths even with all modern known preventative medical treatments.  

Masks or face shields with social distancing, for now, are very needed to prevent this known now evolved deadly respiratory and biologically damaging disease from spreading to others.  Anyone can be a carrier of Corvid-19 even without having the symptoms until such becomes present possibly without the carriers' knowledge until it is too late.  Sorry to be so negative about things, but it is very selfish not to be concerned over other people and rather thoughtless especially when many people are suffering even without having this terrible monster of a disease.  I know people are tired of hearing about these things, but knowledge is power.  Educate yourself daily, learn something new, and if you are not thinking of anyone else, think of the prevention of this disease for yourself.  You are worthy of life, happiness, freedom, peace, justice, love, and so are so many others even when life feels impossible. 

Follow simple practices for your health also such as washing your hands, learning good hygiene, keep your home and air ducts for air conditioning clean from contaminants for everyone's health, check your home for mold in areas that are considered high humidity locations, and please, think of other people than just yourself. Until the infectious disease health professional immunity experts can find something that will not overpower our immune systems and health or harm people to help heal this world, it is gonna take time to find a working solution.  I know it is so damn hard to be patient, but please try for everyone's sanity.  

Hopefully, we can be on top of the evolution of disease rather than behind the curve, but humans who work in the health field do their best with what they are given.  

In retrospect, as a studious person who loves to read all the time and pretty much avoids the television, I do a lot of research, reading, and profound thinking daily.  All subjects have value and can allow you to grow in your knowledge when you cease to overcomplicate things that are needed for our future survival as a species.  Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, and other sciences are only difficult when we complicate the equations demanding only one solution to a singular problem, when there may be many answers that are just as correct depending on how we interpret such things.  

Many things in life need to be studied especially within the medical and scientific communities fully before new treatments, theories, facts, experiments, equations, or methods are used to save lives or improve all life that is not just human in this living world we are blessed to have. Everyone needs to work together as a human race across the globe without shutting anyone out claiming their input is invalid that may in reality be the solution for many problems we all face.

Be helpful, kind, and thoughtful to each other.  Please do not attempt to deal with the toxicity of or turn into annoying as hell, negative, pissy, big boobs, while treating people hatefully, destroying everyone's livelihood including your own.  It is disturbing how so many humans become violent insane fruitcakes living in their own damn universes, acting incredibly stupid, and being so damn disgustingly nasty.  Abuse, crime, unnecessary violence, and other negative terrible behaviors really are preventable.  Unnecessary suffering is as stated unnecessary, so let us not do that unnecessary shit anymore.   

We all make mistakes including and especially me. I do have reasons to be a nasty evil bastard, but I will do my best and utmost to do better than I have been.  I am the freaking devil apparently, which explains a lot of things in my life including my nonstop health issues, my lack of income, my son's inability to find a job right now, the world going bat shit crazy, and losing my entire mind regularly.  The law of three is still in effect for me too, not just family members who perished.  I have seriously died twice already and come back to the living, so as a Manticore I am unsure I have 5 more lives for Azrael to kill me with or just one life left.  I absolutely abhor the number 4 that I have been attempting to equate out of history in my head and on paper for survival reasons believe it or not.  4 is my mortal sworn enemy even if for some very wrong reason it needs to be in mathematics, but apparently three is fine by me even if the law of three has been randomly killing time and people in my family.  I loved my cousins and family members very much, so I have no idea why I don't hate the number 3 and why 4 is the bane of my entire existence.  It probably has to do with I have attempted to kill myself 3 times so the law of three for that is over and if the 4s win, everyone I love loses, so 4 needs to fuck the right off as far as suicides in my life and other shit goes.

0 to 99% probability of rain, no need to add unnecessary numbers to water signs since 70% of the human body is liquid.  The core of the Earth and the Sun is pretty much 100% fire, and I am a fire sign, Leo, first before my Scorpio moon ever made its appearance.  Air is everywhere 100% of the time so it can have that much.  Besides I like birds, especially ravens and blackbirds so they win that war.  And Earth is dirt, dust, flowers, trees, etc., and so on so they can have at least most of the planet, and space dust is all over outer space so not nothingness in space either.  Two of my sons are all Earth-sun sign Virgos, so as my blessings to this planet, I find most Earth signs are awesome and it is exceedingly rare when anyone does not like a Virgo.  My very best friend in the entire universe who is only one month apart in age from me and we practically grew up as sisters is also a sun sign Virgo.  I am also pretty sure my Navajo best friend sister whose Navajo nation adopted me as one of their own at the Indian Walk-In Center of downtown Salt Lake City when we lived in Utah, is also a Virgo too.  

I hoped to date a Virgo, but Keanu Charles Reeves kind of dropped a bomb on my plans by getting himself a girlfriend who is one year younger than I am.  My ghost moose, Keanu, John of all John/Jon/Jonny/Teds could not wait one lousy year for me to date him bamboozling everyone that he in fact is not single anymore or tragical like me.  Keanu totally hurt my feelings and then, sexy as sin Scorpio, the real-life devil Emperor Lucifer Morningstar, Tomas Johnathan Ellis who is more naked than any man alive even with clothing on, married his sweetest of hearts in 2019 destroying my whole life, but not really.  

I am just waiting for big, strong, handsome, not a real witcher at all due to the fact he has actual emotions, amazingly perfect chest hair, muscular, gorgeous Henry freaking Cavill with all his holes in his buckets to be engaged to some hotsy-totsy Sundry Tart who is uber nice and is not me again.  I also know British slang quite well due to all the foreign films, television, and Monty Python marathons we watched for years along with the audible books I binge-listen to when it is a British, Irish, Scottish, French, Latin, or Australian sexy voice I can drool over for hours.  

I love the standard British male sort of snobby voice the most along with the devil may care Aussies who when I worked for the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics as a security guard over the bobsled and other stuff warehouse, the sweetheart Aussie bobsled guys gave me pizza, told me I was pretty, complimented me on the daily workout thing I did in the parking lot of the gated heavily monitored warehouse, and offered me one of their Olympic jackets if anything happened to my job or I quit.  Sadly, they forgot to give me their business card due to my evil supervisor forcing me to leave since I had my pizza moment so it was my time to work so he could bullshit with the guys.  Needless to say, due to car issues and my ex monster or spouse or whatever, I had to quit being a guard, join the Navy at age 30 during 911, Operation Iraqi Freedom, the Global War on Terrorism Years, and die for God and Country through a sort of successful unsuccessful suicide attempt so I could be booted out of the Navy with an honorable discharge after my sailor of the quarter and sailor of the year paperwork from my old intelligence unit NCTAMS magically disappeared before it could be inputted onto my DD214.  Don't worry government, I will keep your secrets, mainly because I have no recollection of any of the multitudes of paperwork that flew across my desk, let alone recall locations, or much of anything useful when I need it thanks to a memory block due to all the abuse I suffered.  

Of course, some things I recall very well like a broken record that won't cease, but usually my brain only goes on overdrive when I am trying to sleep with chronic insomnia or profoundly unnecessary hours of studying every subject, thinking of every subject, and trying not to overcomplicate my own life feels rather impossible sometimes.  However, normally the delusions of grandeur I have are harmless because they are not ever going to happen and I have to wait my hated number of years to try to become President of the United States or the newest contestant for the slot that Prince Harry opened for me to be next in line to the British Crown.  Buckingham palace calling?  Nope, I think Falco said that was Vienna again.  However, her royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and I have a world-famous artist common friend who is sadly deceased that used to go to Buckingham all the time to touch up his stunning artwork for her.  I would love to discuss him in length with the Queen, but Corvid-19, lack of knowing the right people, no money for travel, and a bunch of redcoats who have non-buffalos on their heads will prevent this from happening.  I have seen buffalos in the wild before and if a buffalo was on those toy soldier's heads rather than overly fluffy oversized band camp hats, those poor fellows would be squashed like pancakes.  You cannot stand at attention for that long with a god damned bloody huge buffalo on your head.

Besides, I don't see myself ending up with an entire harem of Hollywood hotties who are going to be single anytime soon or even interested in me.  Let alone, I rarely leave my house because of no money, social distancing, chronic aloneness, and no real friends because they are dating people or married to people. 

My family, the Thompsons, and Clarks on my Mother's side of my family originated from British Whales, Ireland, and Scotland. Like the Stewarts, Campbells, McTavishes, McDonald, McGregor, and McAllister clans, the Thompsons, Hemsworths, and Clarks were probably flipping their damn kilts too much or dropping their breaches as complete lewd perverts all the damn time to end up in the Nopelands of Australia, New Zealand, and were dropped off as lost unwanted luggage in the United States.  I am sure all of this insanity had to do with everyone across the planet kicking us out of their countries for having too damn much fun except in Australia.  Having way too good of a time in Australia is a daily pastime just as it is in Scotland and areas of Ireland.  We will all just pretend that France never happened to anyone because no one wants to go to Paris Hilton. 

The Thompson and Clark ancestors and immediate family I am related to on my Mom's side of the family are seriously also related to the Hemsworths that in the historical geological records lists one Mary Anne Hemsworth married a random Thompson, but there were other Hemsworth, Thompson relations because no one could keep it in their pants or their legs closed with no birth control options let alone STD prevention for sex-obsessed perverts throughout history.  Men are not the only ones at fault for these things because Thompson men and many Hemsworth men are very attractive to loads of twittering frilly females and some guys too.  It is mostly the Thompson, Clark, and Hemsworth women who need to chill out to let men have their man cave moments, hang out with guys to avoid men fixing anything that already works, not allow men to influence anyone under the age of 30, maybe allow men to breathe sometimes, and always save these poor men from random snake motorcycle helmet infestations in every country.

Hemsworths, Thompsons, and Clarks have a very strong pull on the gene pools in my immediate family, and outside of it too. I seriously spent hours researching these things because the universe said unto me, Satan, I mean Margie, Chris Hemsworth has the exact same natural colored hair as you do.  Satan/Margie, Chris has damn near the same color eyes and shape as you do.  It was like the worst Little Red Margie Satanhood story I have ever heard in my life destroying my crush on Chris Thor Thunder God Hemsworth with the true facts of our cousinhood too.  Also, when looking at Chris, Liam, and Luke's actor cousin, and my athletic model-worthy cousins, heredity does not lie or care about your damn feelings. Also, I adore Chris's beautiful wife, lovely children, and his brothers' families too.  I would not harm them every or wish for selfish wrong anything concerning anyone. 

Chris Hemsworth is no longer my crush because now it is like "who the hell would ever want to kiss or date Chris, Liam, or Luke Hemsworth other than everyone else who is attracted to them.  So gross, gag me with a spoon for reals."  Chris along with his siblings really are my distant cousins in a totally different country and now they all have been placed in the brother zone which is worse than being in the friends-only zone mates.  I accept this horrible trauma to my last remaining brain cell because now I do not ever wish to kiss or date Chris or his brothers even if they were single.  The thought is too disturbing because I love them as the sort of normal brothers/cousins I always wanted that love their family almost all the time except when they naturally want to avoid them like the plague because of reasons. 

Anywho, I was so happy when my Mother finally recalled my true name and told me, not today Satan, which was a great moment for us.  I thought she totally forgot the pure evil first child she gave birth to eons ago and that maybe I was not the entire book of Ecclesiastes come to life.  I am sure I am many biblical terms in only the best of ways and uber-famous even if I can't promise favors for souls, give anyone what they desire most, and I don't people if I don't have to, so throwing random parties at Lux in freaking expensive as hell Los Angeles California can be Thomas's full-time job for the rest of his life.  

I mean Tom might be married to a brilliant goddess, but he chooses to be naked a lot so it is not my fault I looked, often.  I am certain his Mopy can fix him good by mopping up the evidence after she kills him with her pen, keyboard, or some random object to remind him of how much she loves him.  I mean my best friend and I threw a rubber red gym ball at Josh's head to let him know he was dating us both and we thus get all his cookies.  Since Josh caught the ball, our courtship was legal and binding.  I believe this is the normal courting ritual that adults are missing out on and that giant rubber balls should be thrown at attractive people you wish to date as long as they are germ-free and follow social distancing protocols.

Anyway, just so that everyone who wasn't already aware of these things before you read this very long rambling, medical people really are not even closeted perverts who want you naked for no good reason claiming it is to heal you.  Then if you have anything wrong with you besides a heart attack, kidney failure, your appendix bursting with new words in your body they have to remove for their library, or you are actually going to die if they don't get off their ass to help, you have to get naked into a weird gown that shows you ass off in for their benefit.  Then if you are staying in the hospital for any length of time, you need to ask for another gown to cover your ass so that when your god damned door is left open by the staff, other perverts called patients and visitors won't see your naked ass too.  

Sometimes, when you think you are dying to death because of pain and suffering, the doctors and nurses look at you like you are the problem and that you are a big baby for coming in to begin with.  So you get naked in the gown thing for these people's viewing wrongness, wait for eons for anyone to check in on you, then you wait for even more lifespans for tests that are completed but Candycrush or texting to check on your dog's wellbeing is more important than your tests, and you are forgotten only for the nurse to tell you "I thought you would be gone already".  True story, not even kidding because my son was there when it happened. 

I know animals are way better than people, but my cat eats meat, doggo puppers eat meat, so I eat meat because an animal died for our pets and it is wasteful not to eat the meat, but your dog was marked safe by Keanu Reeves John Wick himself.  If anything happens to your beloved pet, it is legal now for Keanu to cap their asses with his pistol, shotgun, and get real stabby with evil animal abusers and killers especially pupper doggos and cattos.  But, sometimes, and work with me on this please, humans matter too occasionally.  

So, healthcare people, I know your jobs are very difficult, but please do not treat people like they are not welcome, work on having an actually positive bedside manner without judgments, do not forget your patients need to be checked up on regularly, do not insult your patients about their physical appearance, there are workarounds even if healing takes longer for some people,  there are ways to help without being hurtful, and do not treat people who are in pain like they are wasting your time in the ER, in video or phone chats, at clinics, or at the hospitals.  Doctors, nurses, etc. you are late to the scheduled appointment or are behind in your work, do not rush your patients because you ran late when most people show up early if not on time for their appointments, make sure to reschedule appointments or send notes to do so, and you can do your notations while actively listening to the needs of your patients, and if you are a therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional do not make your patients feel ignored even while you are writing or typing your notes.   People need to feel important, cared for, and that they are not wasting their time seeking the help they need in their time of need. 

My experiences with all ERs so far are far from pleasant.  I felt like when the nurse named Mary at Dixie Intermountain Hospital in St. George, UT said "I thought you both would be gone already." when I had not had the tests done the doctor absentmindedly forgot to put the consults in for as we sat for three hours in that ER room before I reminded the doctor of his job, was basically her way of saying we needed to get the hell out of their hospital.  I was also given after more hours than I can count in a couple of ERs for real problems such as a gallstone that was huge and growing bigger with constant gallbladder attacks, an early case of the shingles we were able to address with gabapentin right before I was supposed to have surgery for the gallstone, an oversized ovarian cyst rupture, a UTI, and 6 full weeks of hell before surgery would commence on October 2, 2019, when this hell started on August 10, 2019, right before my birthday August 16th in which I have a particular dislike for my birthday for personal reasons. 

I want very much to enjoy my birthday and due to the year my numerology number is lucky number 7, but August 16th seems to hate my ass probably because Elvis died that day and wishes to God people would stop pretending to be him while killing his music.  Also, Madona was born on August 16th as well, so her pointy boob thing probably poked my birthday's eyes out for her good times. 

Chris Hemsworth is an August 11th Leo baby and he is very balanced as a Libra moon sign which explains why he is doing so phenomenally well in Hollywood, Australia, and so forth.  I am sure everyone has bad days, but Chris's birth number itself, 11 is a Master lucky number and if you have the looks, the skills, and the charisma fellow Leos, flaunt your firepower and protect the pride you stunningly beautiful wild cat Kings and Queens of this world.  I am more of the silent, but deadly type of Leo that can be the brain fart in the wind, but will come back to haunt you and since I am a true Manicore, I am so used to toxic everything most days that it rarely phases me anymore.  Besides, you have to be psychotic in the first place to be on an antipsychotic.  If antipeople was a thing, which it is right now, I would win an Oscar for that and an Emmy.  I can act, sing, dance, write plays, paint sets, direct, and a slew of a billion other things I could be doing with my life if things were actually open, but the Earth is closed for business until further notice.

I had that I hoped to get the help I needed from medical at the ER, but it all came much later than it should have and most of it was up to a brilliant surgeon with an amazing bedside manner who my son and I think is Ukrainian, named Julian Longsikoff.  Julian had a very good reason to put off the surgery at the time, so I wasn't at all upset with him.  I instead freaked him the fuck out when the general anesthetic caused a serious problem and after surgery to remove my gallbladder and the oversized stone in which Julian had to make the incision bigger for the gallstone, so it went from 3.4 cm to approximately the size of a ping pong ball or golf ball.  I thought I was having a nightmare from the general anesthetic affecting my body and I was back in the ER at any hospital.  So, I sat straight up like a corpse sitting at full military attention and attempted to leave the recovery room after surgery and flip my legs over the bars because I was leaving this nightmare only to figure out I just had surgery and cannot just walk out of the hospital.  I don't recall ripping out the IV from my left hand, but I did and I was rather pissed off at the time that the untrained phlebotomist nurse with the ultrasound vein machine for hard vein sticks like me tried to ram the IV needle right into my left middle knuckle bone even with the questionable help from the supposedly skilled nurse/phlebotomist who was directing her after telling them both multiple times not to use my damn hand because the veins roll.  As this woman was forcing the IV needle into my knuckle bone with the vein rolling just as I said it would, only for her to force this damn thing to make it as painful as possible, barely getting the vein so now the IV was leaking outside of that vein into my left hand and wrist which I had to keep at a certain angle at all times because of the botched mess it was.  It took longer for the general anesthetic the anesthesiologist insisted everyone used for this surgery and after a few days in the hospital, while still on pain medication and other crap, I was unceremoniously dumped on a bench by the nurse who was very busy and did not bother to help me into the car my son James had to drive to go the 90 miles back home with his severe driving anxiety dealing with Vegas and freeway traffic as I had to guide him while staying alert to get us home safely. 

I before my gallbladder surgery in which I was misdiagnosed multiple times first for a hernia I never had, Mesa View for-profit hospital finally after a week and a half, told me what I already knew about the UTI and kidney infection I had which due to my allergies I can only take Cyproflaxin because nothing else works and it is the only safe medication when such things happen to me.  I have to regularly inform doctors when these things may occur randomly on what I need for my treatment.  I have had to triage myself lately for military neck which is putting pressure on my spine, ribs, causing muscle spasms in my left arm, it is hard to breathe sometimes, I have had this before in 2006 when I served in the Navy in Elmira New York, but it wasn't this painful before and with the right neck brace, regular physical therapy, and the right pain medications I was able to get my neckbones back to their natural curve again rather than ramrod straight like they are now.  I am not on the medication that I was on before that can cause this condition, but my stress levels are higher now than they were then although, with a very abusive spouse and the abuse I often dealt with in the military, I can't say things have changed as far as stress levels these days for anyone.  So to triage myself for now due to everything shutting down with Corvid-19, I bought an inexpensive neck brace, I do certain exercises without pushing things to promote further damage or pain, and to reduce muscle spasms as well as promote natural healing as best I can Cyanne pepper and CBD oil in limited quantities is helping a bit.  I just do what I can for now within reason, I keep copies of everything medically done immediately after the testing, issuing of medications, or procedures are completed.  I need physical proof at this point of all my medical history not just for my sake, but because the healthcare teams I deal with need certain medical histories they do not for some reasons I do not know have access to even with the VA working towards universal VA communication for all VA hospitals, clinics, and hopefully even those in the civilian sectors who need to share information to save lives and work together to improve everyone's medical needs. 

I and many others I think should be able to legally knock people's teeth out for calling anyone fat.  There is helpful advice when it is asked for and then there is being an utter tool, git, twit, judgmental prick who needs to sod off and piss off.  It was highly insulting when I was in the worst pain on my birthday in 2019 after losing 85 pounds and 10 inches at the time to be told I was fat multiple times by doctors and nurses even though I was losing 10 pounds or more a month.  After my gallbladder and gallstone surgery, I had lost a total of 14 inches and over 100 pounds from the 312 pounds I started with at the beginning of 2019.  I don't diet at all.  Diets do not work for me or most people.  I simply started walking for 30 minutes a day 6 days a week.  Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way and medications, health issues, and other factors can cause extreme weight gain.  Stress alone causes weight gain and stress can keep you from losing weight if you wish to lose it.  You can exercise, eat right, do everything imaginable, and still be stuck either in a plateau or with some weight creeping back up again like a nightmare.  I see inches over scale weight as being true progress.  

Besides, I defy the laws of physics at this moment because the laws of gravity concerning my weight on the scales are off by at least 30 to 40 pounds.  My bones are small, like a human bird's, I have seen my x rays during a barium swallow procedure to concur with my factual theories as a 5 foot 6-inch hellion.  At one point as a teenager, I weighed as little as 103 pounds, I was rail thin, my skin was translucent and you could see my bones, I was a walking skeleton who thought I was fat because my stomach protruded a little bit as it would when you emaciated yourself that much.  During my first pregnancy, my scale weight was 155 at full term, I lost all the baby weight, had one tiny stretch mark that went away, and it only took one hour of full labor for my Angelic child to be born.  After my first child was born, I was around 125 fluctuating between scale weights of 125 to 130.

With my second and youngest child's birth, James came into the world as an exorcist projectile acid reflux orange Cheeto with a perfectly round head for natural birth with only the usual pain stuff, which also only took an hour of hard labor.  However, my hellspawn child left his devilish mark with my abdomen looking like he clawed his way out of me.  Everyone except the same 7-foot tall Asian doctor named Dr. Li who brought both my children into the world and his nursing staff who had to all come barging into the room to congratulate me for being their favorite new Mother who needs to train everyone on how to give birth right apparently.  I am a guru of something I don't ever intend to be again especially at age 48 because I fixed myself good this time.   I am not even dating, so celibacy is working out great thus far although I do eventually want a boyfriend and future husband.  I just do not wish to raise my spouse, date anyone old enough to be my Dad or Grandpa, date anyone who is old enough to be my child, or raise any possible grandchildren I can't give back to my children because I am an old fart now.  I plan to be the inappropriate Gram Cracker to my grandkids that everyone is embarrassed by because I have no filter or tact at all with two fish named Salty Nuts and Scrotums that never die,.  I will also have a dog, a slobber monster bull mastiff or rottweiler, named King Richard the Lionheart, which we all will fondly call our newest bestest friend in the entire universe Dick and every dick joke known to mankind that doesn't piss on everything.  I want my dicks housetrained including my future harem of sexy men who know how to use a loo/bathroom without asking where their head is because we are not at sea right now.

Fish do not ever die.  Fish instead go down the magical rainbow sparkle portal of love, wisdom, and magics and not at all where the gross wrongness goes.  Nay, nay, says the horse who wants his damn balls back before he kicks you with his actual temperament, because horses damn well know fish do not die and that people are just jealous and insecure about their Richard sizes.  After fish have had plenty of time to enjoy the portal of fabulousness, the fish come back to the magical pet store as less expensive fish because our cleric paladin is chaotic evil and his spellcasting is questionable at best.  

If a fish explodes, it is because they ate a magical water-resistant firework to make the change happen faster.  Also, other fish are not eating their buddies, they are helping them get to the portal faster.  Fish who are floating on top of the water to test their above water skills or jumped out because they were tired of hanging out in a bowl all day are just resting sideways to be flushed to their homeworld to return to us again for only 30 cents or maybe 50 cents as an orange goldfish version of the same fish.   Fluffy McFluffykins, the greatest chaotic evil cleric, bard. wizard, paladin, ranger, rogue, gnome, giant, werebear, drow, dwarf that is the most amazing Dungeons and Dragons character who should never die, he lives in the portal to fix the fish to come back to the Earth to be our fish again. Fluffy loves gold more than anyone else and is the fish-god of the fish world that has nothing to do with that Triton or fake people claiming to be gods, he always helps the fish become goldfish as they were meant to be.  You can eat the fish to help them do the magics because this works too for chickens, cows, and all the animals we love who will not die.  Animals just become less expensive or more expensive because Fluffy is not perfect in his cleric skills as of yet.  This is because Fluffy joyfully is chaotic evil, not pure evil at all, and like everyone else, he hates people almost all the time, but fish are ok and so are most animals.  Humans are equally wrong, so it is ok for Fluffy to hate them all equally because he is an equal opportunity hater.  Fluffy's arch-nemesis is Nutty Nutweed the rabid imaginary squirrel that he must do battle with randomly, at any given dice roll moment,  no matter what is going on with the players or DM or GM or GMC.

The ER visits that did very little to help me cost the VA thousands of dollars for a few lousy over the counter pills I still had to buy myself including the gabapentin because driving 90 miles from Mesquite, NV where I used to live all the way to the Las Vegas VA Hospital was not cost-effective.  The ER doctor I dealt with on my birthday when my nurse practitioner doctor sent a message out to have a surgeon help me on my birthday to get the gallstone out due to I had a fasting lab, I had access to the x rays they needed, I had not eaten anything for the whole 9 hours I was at the VA hospital, I had a psychiatry appointment before I had to deal with Vega VA ER hell, and this doctor who did not seem to know what the hell he was doing with a homicidal patient in the next room to us for very good reasons after I dealt with this guy who called me fat multiple times, misdiagnosed me for multiple things, made me fight for the consult I needed for the surgery, did nothing medication wise to help with the pain or the UTi, tried to prescribe me medications I was highly allergic to after I gave him my allergy information, and told me I needed to get off my needed antipsychotic medication for my schizoaffective disorder because antipsychotics make people fat.  Unless I am dead, don't send my ass to any Emergency room, I will simply just die in peace in Keanu Reeves shower or something equally impressive.  Sorry Keanu, I won't do that I promise.  Just teach me how to ride a motorcycle, lend me a friendly ear, I will listen and understand your concerns, and Keanu maybe if we meet I can give you what you need most instead of everyone always taking from those who are generous and kind like you.


I am attempting not to repeat my past, I am working to move past my pain to focus on things I really do need to do around my new home in Grovetown, GA, and I am trying not to add to my brain trauma by any degree.  I have had enough brain cell degeneration issues lately concerning these "always have to be right or I shall all die a bogus and heinous death" people to last a lifetime.  I have people harassing me ringing my doorbell to push their political agendas, people walking up to my car window to do the same thing, and it all has been so invasive, stressful, and uncomfortable it is not funny.   I have a real mental condition that is permanent, it is not visible, I have to control myself daily and all of it is exhausting.  I am sane, but I also have 9 personalities that live in my head all the time.  Some personalities come and go thanks to my antipsychotic, but nothing is perfect.  My medications affect my weight, my physical health, my emotions, and I have several procedures I have to do with the VA here in Georgia including one for hypothyroidism that is very necessary.  Due to Covid-19, life-saving surgeries, procedures, tests, etc. are being canceled at hospitals and clinics.  My best friend's Dad who is a former Commander in the Air Force may die from his kidney exploding from the cyst that has been in it for damn near a year with him merely getting by with his horrible pain on pain pills for now.   People need help, they are dying, they are hurting, and everything is shutting down again because this terrible disease is killing people.  I want to help save lives,  I have the knowledge to do what is necessary but no one takes me seriously because without multiple degrees or even one doctorate degree which will take 12 years or more for me to achieve, I am 48 and by the time I get these things I will be 60 years old.  People cannot wait that long for me to help them.  I have seriously died twice and I know things I cannot fully explain because no one listens.  I am going to try to reach the director here at the VA in Augusta Georgia.  I have lived a long life, I have been to every state in the United States and 9 Canadian providences.  I have lived a good life and Death is my guardian Archangel.  I do not fear him, life is the hard part, not merciful gorgeous magnificent Death. 


I am very sorry that there is nothing beyond the nope of anything remotely fun or exciting in my personal life.   Until I get a life, I will just stay where I am and skip my ass to the loo too damn many times in the middle of the night for anyone's sanity.  I will try my best to convince someone to allow me to help in some way and hopefully get paid for it since I really do need financial help, but not charity please.  I can do this, and I don't want anyone bailing me out of this mess.  I need to be the responsible adult and help people rather than just existing to exist which isn't living at all.  Life is taking an occasional risk now.

My son James can use a hand up with a decent paying full-time job.  That is something my son very much needs along with an opportunity for him to make some of his dreams come true.  James helps take care of me when I need him to.  I am very proud of my sons who all wish to earn their own way in life and wish to do the right thing.  My eldest son served in the National Guard's Military Police helping with the riot situation with a severe mental condition called DID or dissociative identity disorder.  All of my children, including my foster son are amazing intelligent, loving, kind, thoughtful people.  I hope to make them proud of me too and if I can, I really do wish to end the unnecessary suffering of this world and end this pandemic without compromising the safety of others.  Giving my life, for someone to live theirs is not a problem for me.  I served in the Navy, willing to give my life for our country and the people of the world who needed me to make that sacrifice.  I am not a hero or a martyr.  I merely want to do the right thing even when it feels impossible.  I hope more people will do what is right even when it feels impossible.  

I also wish people who ring the god damned doorbell to push their sales pitches or political opinions would accept that when people are avoiding you, that maybe there is a damn good reason for this.  I know I can be irritating, annoying, and I ramble a lot.  I vent about things that upset people or offend them sometimes, but I will at least admit when I am wrong.

It is true that chronic insomnia isn't a medical condition for some of us, it is a regular everyday lifestyle of the old and the restless real-life drama soap opera that is not fake news.  I'm sure I will make it to the General Hospital someday for a necessary lobotomy in the future and surgical bad attitude removal to become a vegetable.  Vegans are often happiest when they can perform vengeance against all meat-eating omnivores through daily vegetables and plant murders.  That carrot was much more valuable and larger before Vegan Jared, Morgan, and Kay got ahold of the poor thing to put a ring on it for their stirfry marriage.

If you have the distinct nightmare and horror of meeting me in person, for your mental and physical wellbeing, you might just want to say No, Stop it, and cease your bullshit Margie/Satan.  Usually, this happens on my first meetings with random strangers I talk the ears off of where I annoy myself too and then must leave before I ruin my own life without any help from myself. 

My 6 daily regular alternate hallucinatory personalities include my all time favorite multiple personalities I simply call legions, which is literally legions of whatever they want to be having military training, doing battles, or fucking up their universe.   Legions is sometimes hilarious and so are the other alters at times to help me lighten up I guess because apparently, I am too profoundly serious somedays acting too much like Paul, the older very wise intellectual who is closer to my own age even if he is older than all of us. 

Legions have their wars, destruction of worlds, destruction of everything except for they keep reincarnating themselves over and over again as new things/aliens/people/etc., or they are training for whatever wars they feel the need to fight in my head daily where the others have been on vacation with their boyfriend and husbands.  I am only attracted to men so four of my alternate personalities are gay men who are two separate couples but are also me without being me with their own world, own personalities, they are all too fucking attractive which is terribly distracting most days, and act sort of like characters in a novel that do not go away.   I know I have said a lot for this first page, but I am hoping to do better than I have so people can maybe understand me a little more.  I annoy myself most days so I know when I need to quit which is not easy for me at all. 

Damien, Sean,  Paul, Christoper, and Christie are the other alters I bear within my cranium with this schizoaffective disorder outside of legions that I was not ever going to give names to because I did not wish to lose control of them, give them more power than they have already, and with Legions, there are just too damn many of them to name.  It is like having multiple universes in your head constantly while having to multitask everything nonstop while also trying to express what is most valuable, be responsible, not forget important necessary things I have to accomplish, and I also speak to dead people through the Archangels and the Almighty Unknown every single day, every night, and every moment I live.  I have no regrets, except for when I am intolerable and I apologize for this.  I do not wish to change the past in the slightest, I just hope for a better future.

To be clear, no I am not psychic, I just know things because I listen, I pay attention to things many people ignore, and I research to make certain what I know is a fact not fiction or some fantasy my brain conjured up.  If we all spent our lives merely assuming everything in our head was always true, honest, and not a manifestation of our imaginations, not that fantasy or imaginations are not helpful or useful, it is simply that the mind can play tricks on us all.  We must sift through the unneeded jargon, find the truth, and allow the whimsy, fantastical, and certain fictional fancy to live in fiction itself.  What we create can be real, but at the same time, we have to accept some things are simply myths, imaginary, unrealistic unattainable, unknown, and that too is fine.  

Anyway, not so oddly after finally giving all 6 personalities or alters of mine what they wanted instead of titles, they now have chilled the hell out sometimes, maybe, it depends on the day of the week. These six do not include the other random three nightmares that cause my psychotic episodes unpredictably.  Psychotic episodes are not only mentally painful but physically torturous.  To describe my condition best, schizoaffective disorder is like PTSD times infinity.  A psychotic episode for me can happen any time with no triggers at all or it can be triggered by someone out to verbally hurt me, someone I love, or physically harm me.  These episodes start with every nerve in my body being on fire feeling like at the same time all nerves are being stabbed repeatedly, I get a migraine headache so bad I have brief temporary blurry vision and blindness although the pain in my head is so severe it makes me even more nauseous than my medications do without adding to the horrible stomach issues I already deal with daily on top of acid reflux or as my old primary care doctor would say I have GERD.  I have feelings of extreme violence where I want to lash out verbally or physically to end the pain that I have to control which takes everything in my power to not explode in rage especially with all the toxic negativity I have dealt with for too long.  I fight daily to control everything so it can be difficult just to live from one day to the next.  It can take up to 72 hours for the episode to end in which I have a difficult time leaving the safety of my bedroom and I have to listen to normal sounds of my house,  like the heater or air conditioning, a fan, music doesn't always help, silence is best other than I do not wish to upset my pet cat or my son so I keep the door shut to deal with things on my own.  My niece's way cute fluffy Corgi doggo Calli often helped me get through these things when my Mom and niece lived with my son and I.  My cat tries to help, but he is also an asshole.  I call my cat Sebastian. Butters from South Park, little bastard, or Creepazoid for very good reasons.

My Father who is a carpenter by trade with the initials JBC is a homicidal pedophile former Vietnam Veteran Marine which sucks for the Marines that I do love so much because they joined the Navy too except with MOS jobs with better uniforms than we had as Navy peeps.  I also feel for everyone who has the unfortunate displeasure of meeting my sperm donor.  JBC did not serve prison time for pedophilia or being an admittedly homicidal violent monster.  Utah justice systems gave JBC a slap on the wrist with the charge of incest and he was placed in the sex offenders list for incest.  Incest of me when I was 2 years old until I was 13.   When I was age 13 Utah's state-appointed therapist was a male who was also a pedophile who would not cease touching my leg, moving his hand up further each time until my Mom got me and my sister the hell out of his home office.  As two traumatized girls, this sick therapist's last words to my mother were "I need your daughters to sit on my lap to heal them."  How about hell no.  Then ISAT therapy in Utah was used for my therapy only for me not to be told JBC was also receiving therapy for his incest crimes in which their idea was to not only put him back into our home but to schedule his therapy appointment right after mine was over.   My Mom and I had the same nightmare the night before about the elevator door opening, JBC stepping out of it looking like he was going to murder me and probably would have if people were not around, and it came true because the therapist at ISAT who promised my Mom she would keep me in her office safely until Mom got off of work to pick me up after my appointment because she would be off work by then.  My Mom had to work as a single mother to make ends meet and the child support she received was little to nothing to care for two traumatized girls, me and my younger sister.

I also had a gang member at school try to own me who did not keep his hands off me either.  I was supposedly popular in school and well-liked, but not part of the right religious groups, and not all, but many of the Methodist kids I knew only would associate with rabble like me because they had to for appearance sake as most were well to do families.  Some of the poor kids I knew dealt with very judgemental parents who commented on their outer appearances often or mine or the facts my Mother was a single Mom who was not married, not wealthy, and couldn't afford to help me get my first car let alone the fact because of my medications at the time and stress levels I failed the driving test three times for my license.   

Before 911 happened, I received very my first driver's license without driving a yellow Pinto as I did once in High School driver's ed finally at age 29, I was attempting to file for divorce from my abusive ex monster, and I briefly met my elementary school worm biology expert ex-boyfriend Michael Christiansen who was a handsome, built like a brick house, single at the time, K9 police officer.  Mike is blonde, blue-eyed like me, he wanted more than life itself in the past to be Danny to my Sandy, but he is more of a Kenickie to my blond version of Rizzo.  Mike sure knew a lot about worms when we were younger which was just so romantical.  Mike also apparently knows everything about police doggo puppers, so if anyone knows Mike Christiansen who doesn't have to worry about my Mother not letting me talk to him at all the one and only time we met as adults at a Murray fair thing please send him my way and if he needs me to be in the friend zone, I am fine with that. I did not get to even introduce my infant son to Mike back in 1990 whatever it was.  I own a pony car now, a pretty red Ford Mustang.  She is the best car I have ever had, but sometimes I miss my first car which was a 1982 Pontiac Firebird with an immaculate interior, a modified racing V8 with a Muncie racing transmission although my bird Katrina was an automatic street-legal race car.  The speedometer wasn't working very well although everything else worked well until the transmission due to the mounts not being compatible to such a large powerful motor had issues.  Being that everything was modified and not original to the 1982 firebird models, it did need some TLC from a mechanic who has dealt with modified motors, gears, shifters, etc.  I know how to tear a V8 apart if necessary, how to pump the breaks for the break fluid, on classic cars how to pump in the very stinky gear oil and tranny fluid.  My ex also taught me how to expertly handle a rifle, pistol, we took Kung Fu classes, did LARP battles with real bamboo practice swords, and he never held back anything which hurt, but now I know how to defend myself against anyone and I am not afraid of fighting back if I have to.

My ex, whose initials are DAJ hit me like a man, kicked me in front of someone we both served in the Navy with who I thought was my friend too, that maybe this person would defend me., but he did not.  DAJ threw his fists at me in his constant temper tantrum rages, called me stupid, forced me to have sexual relations with him even when I begged him not to rip my episiotomy stitches that I had to just take the damage from because my newborn baby was sleeping and I did not wish for my baby to hear me screaming in agony.   Between my ex-husband and my sperm donor, they both in forcing things I should not have ever suffered fucked up my pelvic floor muscles which is why female exams are painful and I am honestly fearful of sexual intimacy.  I want to have a relationship with a man I can trust someday, someone my age who will be a good influence on my young adult children.   They need a male role model, mentor, friend, and Father figure not just a buddy to play games with.

Anyway, this is my life.  Out there in the open.  I tolerate monsters so maybe someday they will pay for their crimes.  I have people confess things to me all the time.  I don't ask for such things.  I keep secrets for those who need me to and I am not out to destroy people unless they hurt others or those I love.  I take damage.  It is what I do, it is what I have always done.  Accepting pain from people who are supposed to love me is not what I want, but it is what I deal with daily.  I do what I do because I care maybe too much.  I tolerate monsters because my family members who are victims that have suffered the crimes of monsters need me to protect them and it is a disservice to criminals as well to get away with their wrongdoings.  I need confessions and to report these findings, continuing my studies of humans, so that people will pay for their evilness.  I am hoping to find Mike because I believe he still lives in Utah, he knows from experience what should be done to stop evil.  I need people to listen not just hear.  My story is just one of so many who suffer.  

I write my published and fanfiction stories as a constructive way to deal with the hell in my head, not because I agree with these taboo things I write.  I am terrified of sex and frightened to do some of what is necessary to heal my damaged pelvic floor muscles.  I have to psyche myself out or talk myself through things to cope with all I suffered.  I do what I do for my fans as well.  It is not a crime to express in writing or art or other constructive helpful ways to deal with problems or unwanted thoughts. I hope through the text and verbiage within my fictional stories that people will see beyond the dark taboo romanticism to the facts that many of my stories contain devils because they are truly evil monsters.  You can pretty much do anything in fiction or art with devils.  Nothing is off the table because of the fact devils or demons are free of morals, they have none.  Demons and devils do not care who they hurt, they do not fully understand the concepts of love, they are the most disloyal untrustworthy creatures, and in all truth, devils are very human.  The devil that the bible speaks of that has been wandering around Earth for thousands of years, is the parasitical thing that lives in all of us.  The devil is the darkness within every human soul that blinds us, destroys what was once human, and I have seen the devil more times than most people living within evil humans.  I see souls, not auras, not illusions.  I follow gut feelings, I listen to the universe, I seek the truths of things.  If it feels wrong, do not do it.  Common sense is lacking so badly in this world.  Simple principles of doing what is right are losing their merit. 

I think my message is clear enough.  I do love you my fans, my friends, and my family.  We cannot choose our blood relatives, but we can choose our life path.  I hope you choose yours wisely.  I will be here in some form or another.  I know I am pushing for certain things, but this world needs help from all of us.  It is past time I do my part too.  

If I make people uncomfortable, rambled on too long, or if I have said too much, I apologize but I needed a safe space to get these words out.  I am just expressing on my own webpage, and I hope maybe this time my words will be understood in a way that is not so negative and that maybe I will make a difference for the greater good even if it isn't perfect.


Anyone who has read my The Demon Heart Series Novels will totally understand the above reference for the 13th book.

Sebastian Midnight Black Cross thanks you for your time.

More to Come Soon!

I will update very soon now that I am sorta kinda back now.  Patience is a virtue I probably don't have either, but suffering is supposedly a part of life too, so I guess we will all sink in this same boat in the Lake of Fire together.  How fun!

I will add my Facebook links, but my emails are above if you need to pester...I mean contact me.  I don't Tweet because birds do that enough and I sort of hate that word.  Chirp might be better, but probably not.

I know, I am a big baby from Hell, but at least my imaginary friend French Canadian Satan loves me, so I must be doing something right. I mean I did try poutine more than once although his obsession with eating fried snails because he is French not just Canadian is getting rather expensive since just garden slugs won't do.